Midwestern Wanderlog

2016-10-20 – Self-sabotage revisited

There was an NSP energy truck parked in the regular parking area for the Bluff this morning when I arrived.  And I do mean it was parked in the whole area.  So I parked on the knoll where workmen have had me park before.  As I was walking toward the stairs, one of the guys said to me that they were going to have trucks pulling into and parking there.  So I had to move.  Parked beside the little lane that leads to the old kiln, and had to hope that the police wouldn’t take that amiss, since they use the lane to patrol back to that area of the Bluff.

Sunrise Stats!
First light: 7:03 AM
Sunrise: 7:33 AM
Daylight: 11 hrs, 44 min

I told the guy, “I’m working hard to stay out of your way, but I don’t know from morning to morning where you need me to be.”

Don’t know this morning if the alarm didn’t ring, or if it rang while I was in a deep sleep cycle and didn’t hear it.  Thank the heavens for ingrained habits, because while I had to use the goat trail, I wasn’t late for sunrise.  I was groggy walking up, but I didn’t miss anything.

Not that there was much to see this morning!  Other than some lovely bright yellow leaves on the aspens, that is.

I think that I’ve figured out what it is I’m getting out of sabotaging my own rest; why I delay going to bed, why I pick up a book or turn on NetFlix instead of turning out the light and going to sleep.  (Self-sabotage can be tricky.  But any time you have a bad habit and you don’t know why you keep repeating it, the question to ask yourself is “What am I getting out of this?”  There’s always something, because if you weren’t getting rewarded for the behavior somehow, you wouldn’t be doing whatever it is.)  And what I’m getting from my self-sabotage is encouragement and sympathy from friends and family.  Apparently I enjoy my mom’s and good friend’s reactions to my constant exhaustion.

So, time to stop talking about how tired I am, and subconsciously creating ways to feel that fatigue so I can share them and reward the behavior.

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